It’s Halloween, and here’s my survival Guide!
In spirit of the coming Holiday, my favorite holiday if you must know, I’ve decided to share my Contention plan in case the hordes start to rise.
Why do I have a contention plan you ask? Well, just take a look at THIS! Besides, is halloween not the time of year to switch mindsets? To fear Skeletons and incredibly slow psycho/socio-paths, rather than constantly barraging ourselves with the fears of our current administration, political stasis, and Global weather effects?
It is for me. So sit back and Enjoy the first part of a 3 part series: ARSENAL!
1. I’m a pacifist up until the ankle biters decide to come-a-knocking. So stock up! In my arsenal I have:
a.) One 700,000 Volt Stun Rod with built in Siren.
In case the horde numbers get a little out of hand this handy device can incapacitate a number of stiff stalkers within seconds, evening out the odds. Plus the nifty alarm alerts nearby puss faced baboons of their impending doom.
You can get these anywhere on the net; just GOOGLE it. They are up into the million Volt range now! Stick with the ROD variety as it adds range to your attack unlike the handheld variety. Stay away from the guns; they have excellent range, but is 1 hit and reload.
b.) One very Fake, but very sharp japanese sword. The key is to “Destroy the brain, or remove the Head.” Nothing says Headless like a sharp sword.
You can pick one of these up at any asian, or street market. Just take it to a professional knife sharpener. S/He may be hesitant at first, but when you convince her/him of the ever-increasing danger of a zombie outbreak, s/he’ll be asking you to pick one up for ‘em while s/he sharpens yours to utmost perfection.
UPDATE: A close friend of mine informed me of his cutlery: An unsharpened Machete, which can be picked up at any lawn and garden center. He explained that unsharpened the heavy blade acts as a bludgeoning device as well. This is a great way of disabling a decaying flesh monkey the ability to grab and claw.
c.) I hate guns, and don’t own any. In fact I’ve never fired anything other than a paint-ball gun, but if your going that route here’s some advice. Stay away from Pistols. Great for the experienced shooter, but in our hands it a great way to shoot lamps behind the fetid fiends. Stay away from Single shooters, or fully automatics. The single shooter is an obvious reason, but why a fully automatic? Well, unless you have an assault rifle, I.E. M16 or AK47, they just don’t have the stopping power for the coming onslaught. So, what should you stock up on? Shotguns Baby! A single shotgun shell contains hundreds of tiny bearings, which create massive carnage with little expenditure.
d.) lastly, but probably most important: STAY AWAY FROM FIRE! Molotov cocktails, flame throwers, etc. This is one of the worst arsenal choices. If there’s anything worse than a flesh muncher, it’s a flaming flesh muncher; Plus, the hordes of rotting flesh smell bad enough, no need to add fuel to the fire...
So get out there and stock up.
Tomorrow: Shelter
Zombie Contention Plan!
Monday, October 29, 2007
